I think a propsal is coming soon.

We were doing a little evening cuddling the other night, and and again, I just felt this feeling of complete contentness (is that a word)?

He was holding me tight, and he whispered to me – “You know, I’m going to marry you, and you’re going to have our babies, and I love you so much.”

I feel like I’m writing a romance novel here.. but I was all warm and fuzzy when he said it. I mean, I guess I’ve known for a while that it’s coming, but instead of only just ‘knowing’ it inside of myself, to hear him vocalize it is great.

I’ll be honest. In the beginning, when we first started dating, I entertained ideas of marrying him so that I could “keep” him. This is not a good reason for getting married. A year and a half into it, I am so content and more peaceful than I’ve ever been in my life. He is a great influence and force in my life. When I am with him I want to be a better person. I am in a relationship where I can totally and completely feel comfortable being myself, and he loves me anyway.

And I don’t love him because he loves me. I’m just illustrating that it makes me feel good about how he loves  me. We’re on the same page.

Moving on, this morning we were talking about music, and this new guitar came out that he is really interested in (and that I wish I could buy him! But $6,000 is a bit above my price range.) I said something to him like, “Time to start saving!” And he responded, “I’d rather use the money to buy a ring.”

I don’t think I said a word, but just blushed madly. How can a man I’ve lived with for over a year make me blush like that?

On another front, I’ve chosen a new dress. I love my first pick, but the location for the wedding can be chilly, even in the summer.

My New Dress

It really WAS the perfect moment. And I think he almost proposed. But I also know he wasn’t prepared, didn’t have a ring, and is just not the type to go off half-cocked. And maybe he didn’t almost propose, but I could care less; it was one of the most perfect moments ever.

We were in the woods, up in the northeast, and we were hiking a short trail up to a fire tower. You readers don’t know me well, but I’m the type that can’t shut up. I talk all the time. Sometimes about things, and sometimes about nothing. But on our hike, I was silenced. Living in the city, there is a constant barage of noise. Even when you think there’s no noise? There’s white noise. There’s background noise.

In the mountains, there was NO noise. There was no breeze, no birds chirping, nothing. It was silent as we hiked, and it was a cool 70 degrees, and it was perfect. We walked in silence.. Not awkward silence, but happy peaceful, content kind of silence.

I stopped at one point to take some pictures, and he walked back down the path toward me. I looked up at him, and he put both hands on either side of my face, and kissed me. And it was a movie kiss. It was better than a movie kiss. It wasn’t all fireworks.. it was better. It was an absolute total ‘content’ feeling. Not in a negative sort of way, but in the way that everything is just perfect. It’s perfect in that I am not perfect, he’s not perfect, life’s not perfect, but I’ve found something, and I’m happy. There were no thoughts, no  “what ifs” clouding my brain. We are what we are. And I’m happy with that, and have never felt as peaceful and have never been so at peace with myself and with us as I did at that moment.

After the kiss, he said straight out, in a SERIOUS tone… “You know I’m crazy about you, don’t you?” It really caught me off guard. We always say “I love you.” And we  mean it. But it’s such an easy, common way to vocalize it. The way he vocalized himself really caught me off guard; it’s uncharacteristic of him. He went on.. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, and I can’t imagine not having you in my life.”

His eyes were piercing. At that moment, he was seing ME and us. And then he was silent, and we were looking into each other’s eyes (so cliche, I know)…

And at that moment, I think it was on the tip of his tongue.

It didn’t go any further though, and I can’t say I’m upset about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not whether I’m struggling over how to answer that question.. I just know it’ll come in time. The right time. I’m extremely content with where we are, and I don’t feel I have to pressure him to “ask” in order to keep him. If he wants to make it official, he’s going to do it when he feels ready. He’s traditional, and I’m ok with that.

It really was one of the greatest moments in my life.

So he came home from the gym.

I was really stressed out about what I had said, and really what kind of person I was being.

And he was not. He was not stressed out, he was not angry, and he was like, “Baby, I love you, I want to be with you.”

And it wouldn’t shock me if in the near future, he showed me who his Facebook Friends are.

So with all this lovey-dovey crap I’ve been getting in to, it’s easy to forget that at one time, we were struggling to make this relationship work. I think we were both very much attracted to each other, and hell, maybe even in love, but we both have strong personalities. It took us a long time to figure out whether or not this was going to work, and then even more time to stop butting heads with each other. But people change. I know I have. And he has to. I’ve been friends with him for a long time before we started dating. I know in the past he’s been a serial dater. I know in the past that I’ve been less than my best self. But this is all in the past. We’re older, presumably wiser, and ready to be settled. With each other.

Things have truly been going great now.. for quite some time. We have the house together, we just got a joint bank account to kind of pool our finances and pay bills easier, he is GREAT with my daughter in every way, and heck, he flat out caters to me.

Which is why it’s so obvious that I flat out screwed up this morning. I had a dream last night that I met him for dinner, and when I got there, there was already some woman sitting at the table with him. Some woman he met online, through Craigslist or something. I mean it was all silly and comical, though in the dream I was LIVID. Truly, if he were cheating with a girl from online, it’s not like he’d bring her to dinner to meet me. Anyway, it was just a dream.

When we got up this morning, he told me about a dream he had. Then I told him about mine. We kind of laughed about it for a minute, and then he kind of joked – “You’re paranoid.” Then (and here’s my mistake), I said, “Well it’s easy to be when you have so many friends on Facebook. I have no idea who half of them are.” I didn’t just say it. I said it in the most insecure, paranoid way possible. This is a huge mistake. This is like me telling him that I don’t trust him after all that we’ve been through, and all that he’s proved to show that I CAN trust him. And really, he’s given me no reason to NOT trust him.

So he was like, “Well what do you mean?” And me, trying to justify things, told him that I wish I knew more of his friends on Facebook. Not like personally know them, but just know who they are, or how he knows them. Every week or so, I’ll see “Boyfriend added so-and-so as a friend” on his news feed. I’m curious as to who some of these people are.

And I think, if I had just ASKED, “Hey, who’s so-and-so?”, he’d have no problem telling me. I’m sure a lot of them are friends from high school, people he knows through work, etc.

But instead, I asked at the worst possible time, when I was feeling vulnerable, awful, and jealous from having a shitty dream.

He didn’t get MAD at me, but he pretty much said, “After all this, you don’t trust me?”

Sting.

I do trust him. I do. Mostly. But what I DON’T trust about him doesn’t really have to do with him. It has to do with me. I still have a tough time trusting anyone. And I guess it makes me feel like a 3rd wheel to see all these new friends added that I’ve never heard of. They’re not people he’s “hanging out” with for the most part; I know who he spends time with; he knows who I spend time with. I guess that’s why I feel so disconnected about these “Facebook Friends.” And a little uncomfortable.

But the way I brought it up? Not so smooth. And not only that, he had to leave about 5 minutes later for his appointment with his trainer, so I didn’t get to apologize, or explain myself more clearly.

He just sent me a quick email (we often email throughout the day) just to check in on me.

“How are you, love?” he asks, even though we live together, walked to the train together, etc.

It’s like in the beginning of a relationship, when everything is so great, and both people are so polite, and yet here we are almost a decade later, and he is still this way. He genuinely CARES.

I have to be careful about how I proceed with this. I’d like to keep this blog private. I think the purpose of this blog, for me, is an outlet. And as an outlet, I want to be able to write freely and openly. And I suppose the point of making it public is to get some feedback and comments along the way. Otherwise, I’d just write in a journal, right?

I’ve been trying to think of a ‘name’ to use for my boyfriend in this blog. Like I said, I don’t want to give away identifying details, but I don’t want to call him ‘my boyfriend’ the whole time. I don’t know WHAT to call him. I guess I’ll figure it out as I go.

He is the love of my life. Does that mean there can’t possibly be another person out there in this world that would be a fit for me? Hardly. With one me and billions of others, I’m sure I could find happiness elsewhere.

But I have no reason to.

I’ve always just jumped in to most relationships. Not that I’ve wanted to jump in an get married right away, but I didn’t see the point of pretending to be someone else (and only show the good parts of me) date after date after date. I hated the bullshit. So, I always either had a boyfriend, or didn’t. But I didn’t ‘date.’ And I also didn’t have ‘guy friends.” (And I still don’t.)

Except for him. I met him quite some time ago, and we’ve just always kept in touch over the years. I got to know him as a brilliant, moving, funny, handsome man, though we were never that close. After we first met, we mostly kept in touch via email or IM since we didn’t always live close to each other.

When we first met again in person after all these years, I was instantly attracted to him. But not only that, we were also friends to a certain extent, so we had a foundation to begin with. Which is something I lacked in almost ALL of my previous relationships.

He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me feel smart, and intelligent, and in no way hampers me from being the person I want to be. In fact, he encourages it. I love that I never have to try to be someone else for him, and I don’t think for a second that he’s trying to be someone else either. And just that, to begin with, gives us something really good to work with.

We went out with some friends today for the afternoon. We were all just joking, talking about God knows what, and he said to the group, “Well, when we have babies….” (referring to me and him)… I don’t even know what the rest of the sentence was or what he was talking about. But all of this is becoming a huge turning point. Of course WE’VE discussed having children, and know that we want to, but to mention it in front of our friends? It’s huge. And honestly, I can’t say I was unhappy about it. Made me feel all warm & fuzzy inside.

So. I’m not technically engaged. I suppose technical would be the whole ‘down on one knee’ proposal. Not that I don’t think that will happen, but there’s rules and order that must be followed.

And so, instead, we’ve ‘talked’ about it. I want it. He wants it. (In his words – “Let’s get married.” We’ve jointly decided that it’s what we’re going to do. We’ve decided on roughly when. We’ve decided on roughly where. We’ve opened a joint bank account. We’ve been saving together. We’ve been living together for a year. We have a house together. And when the dust finishes settling, which it almost has, I’m sure he’ll officially “ask.” A few more months at the longest.

So until then, we’re keeping it quiet. Not telling family and friends. I’ve SORT of started to plan, but again, when it’s a big secret as it is, and not quite “official” yet, it’s just difficult to plan. So since I can’t share the progression of my wedding with friends and family yet, I thought I’d start sharing here online.

I’ve known him for 8 years, and I’ve never been this happy. Ever. He’s smart.. Brilliant, really, and he’s someone I can connect with on a level I’ve really never known before.

I thought I felt this way once before. I met someone, and less than a year later, was married. He wasn’t a bad man, he didn’t abuse me, he wasn’t an alcoholic, I don’t have any sad story. We just got married too fast, and I realized not only did I NOT know him, we didn’t have anything in common either. It was a mistake. It might sound like I’ve taken it lightly, but I haven’t.

But on the other hand, I realize I’m still ‘young’, and there’s a second chance for both of us out there, and I’ve just been fortunate enough to connect with a good friend from years past that has now turned into my best friend. It’s been a long road for both of us, and we found each other at just the right time.

More about him in my next post, and more about where I’ve come from as well.

I didn’t get to choose my dress for my first wedding. Here is what I have in mind for this wedding. Not only am I choosing my dress, I’m CHOOSING to get married, and we’re making the decisions and calling the shots. We’re getting married because of how we feel about each other, and how we compliment each other. Being in a relationship is always a work in progress, but at least this time around, I know I’m doing it for the right reasons.

My Dress: