The Facebook Mistake

So with all this lovey-dovey crap I’ve been getting in to, it’s easy to forget that at one time, we were struggling to make this relationship work. I think we were both very much attracted to each other, and hell, maybe even in love, but we both have strong personalities. It took us a long time to figure out whether or not this was going to work, and then even more time to stop butting heads with each other. But people change. I know I have. And he has to. I’ve been friends with him for a long time before we started dating. I know in the past he’s been a serial dater. I know in the past that I’ve been less than my best self. But this is all in the past. We’re older, presumably wiser, and ready to be settled. With each other.

Things have truly been going great now.. for quite some time. We have the house together, we just got a joint bank account to kind of pool our finances and pay bills easier, he is GREAT with my daughter in every way, and heck, he flat out caters to me.

Which is why it’s so obvious that I flat out screwed up this morning. I had a dream last night that I met him for dinner, and when I got there, there was already some woman sitting at the table with him. Some woman he met online, through Craigslist or something. I mean it was all silly and comical, though in the dream I was LIVID. Truly, if he were cheating with a girl from online, it’s not like he’d bring her to dinner to meet me. Anyway, it was just a dream.

When we got up this morning, he told me about a dream he had. Then I told him about mine. We kind of laughed about it for a minute, and then he kind of joked – “You’re paranoid.” Then (and here’s my mistake), I said, “Well it’s easy to be when you have so many friends on Facebook. I have no idea who half of them are.” I didn’t just say it. I said it in the most insecure, paranoid way possible. This is a huge mistake. This is like me telling him that I don’t trust him after all that we’ve been through, and all that he’s proved to show that I CAN trust him. And really, he’s given me no reason to NOT trust him.

So he was like, “Well what do you mean?” And me, trying to justify things, told him that I wish I knew more of his friends on Facebook. Not like personally know them, but just know who they are, or how he knows them. Every week or so, I’ll see “Boyfriend added so-and-so as a friend” on his news feed. I’m curious as to who some of these people are.

And I think, if I had just ASKED, “Hey, who’s so-and-so?”, he’d have no problem telling me. I’m sure a lot of them are friends from high school, people he knows through work, etc.

But instead, I asked at the worst possible time, when I was feeling vulnerable, awful, and jealous from having a shitty dream.

He didn’t get MAD at me, but he pretty much said, “After all this, you don’t trust me?”

Sting.

I do trust him. I do. Mostly. But what I DON’T trust about him doesn’t really have to do with him. It has to do with me. I still have a tough time trusting anyone. And I guess it makes me feel like a 3rd wheel to see all these new friends added that I’ve never heard of. They’re not people he’s “hanging out” with for the most part; I know who he spends time with; he knows who I spend time with. I guess that’s why I feel so disconnected about these “Facebook Friends.” And a little uncomfortable.

But the way I brought it up? Not so smooth. And not only that, he had to leave about 5 minutes later for his appointment with his trainer, so I didn’t get to apologize, or explain myself more clearly.